You want to know something disgusting? In Idaho you can get a divorce in ten days. TEN DAYS. What?! I don’t know about you, but I have definitely been super mad at someone for a couple weeks and then gotten over it. Can you imagine – you’re in a happy marriage but you have a HUGE fight. So in a rash decision you file for a divorce. After a couple weeks you’ve resolved things and are over it… but it’s too late. Your divorce has gone through and you are single once again. Fail.
Fact: After 2 years, 70% of divorced people believed they made a mistake in getting a divorce. This correlates with the statistic that in 2 years, 70% of divorced men had remarried. When they get remarried, they have the idea that this marriage will be so much better than the last. But quickly they discover that all marriages have challenges. This is when they realize that they made a mistake in getting the divorce. The effects of divorce are expensive, heart wrenching, and long lasting. Right off the bat you have to pay to get divorced. In California you can expect to drop $125,000 to make the process happen. Then within the next 5 years you’ll spend an extra $100,000 in addition to having to pay for twice as many households as you used to. 62% of divorced women and their children are living in poverty. This isn’t necessarily because the ex-husband is a horrible person, but because he now has to pay for SO much more than he used to. Then there’s the impact of divorce on children. Divorce increases the likelihood of the children being involved in drugs, alcohol, illegal activity, crimes, jail time, and teen pregnancy. They have poorer grades and are less likely to go to college. They are also less confident in their ability to have successful relationships (regardless of the child’s age when divorce happened). Now for the long reaching effects. The impacts of divorce literally last for generations (as in multiple generations). Each generation is more likely to divorce because that is what they have seen their parents do; they have never learned anything different; and they lack confidence in their ability to have successful relationships. As divorce happens, family systems get more complicated and the stress on them escalates. Families become pitted against each other and these kind of feelings are not easily nor rapidly repaired. How sad is all of this? But it doesn’t have to be this way. Fact: After 5 years, the majority of couples who stuck it out and didn’t divorce reported being satisfied or very satisfied with their marriage. If something is broken, fix it. Love, serve, and sacrifice. “How many times do I have to tell you to eat with your mouth closed? Don’t tap your fingers on the table. Sit up straight. Were you raised in a barn?”
Sound familiar? Most parents have had some variation of this “dialogue” with their children. Hearing this probably doesn’t faze most adults. But suppose that instead of your children sitting around the table you have some adult friends. Can you imagine turning to one (we’ll name her Sharon) and saying these same things? “Good heavens Sharon, can’t you eat with your mouth closed? What are you doing… don’t tap your fingers! Sit up straight Sharon. Were you raised in a barn or something?!” It’s laughable to think of saying this to a peer! So then why is it acceptable to say it to your children? Aretha Franklin had it right. It’s all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Everyone wants to be respected, and in our society it is an expectation that children will respect their parents. But in case you hadn’t realized it yet, children imitate your every action and word. So if you want respect from your children, you first have to show them respect. If they aren’t giving you the respect you would like, it’s probably because you aren’t showing them proper respect. In The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Laurence Steinberg explains the idea of respect: “When I say that you should treat your children with respect, I mean you should give him the same courtesies you would give anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Don’t worry – you can do all of these things and still maintain your authority as the parent. You can be friendly without being friends." It seems like the greatest fear among parents is to become permissive, spoil the children, and be a human doormat. So to prevent this, we all run to the other end of the spectrum and judge anyone who isn’t there with us. At this end we assert unconditional authority and expect complete respect. “Because I’m the parent –that’s why!” Here’s a piece of advice by another leading expert that may give you some useful insight. “When parents not only avoid the temptation to rely on control but also go out of their way to help children experience a sense of autonomy, these children are more likely to do what they’re asked and less likely to misbehave” (Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting). Sound like nice results? Then treat your children accordingly. Please don’t be one of the people screaming at their children in Walmart. To quote a wise elephant: A person’s a person, no matter how small. |
AuthorHi, I'm Valerie! I have a passion for promoting and defending the family as the fundamental unit of society. I hope you find something here that inspires you. Archives
November 2016
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A happy family is but an earlier heaven
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