“How many times do I have to tell you to eat with your mouth closed? Don’t tap your fingers on the table. Sit up straight. Were you raised in a barn?”
Sound familiar? Most parents have had some variation of this “dialogue” with their children. Hearing this probably doesn’t faze most adults.
But suppose that instead of your children sitting around the table you have some adult friends. Can you imagine turning to one (we’ll name her Sharon) and saying these same things? “Good heavens Sharon, can’t you eat with your mouth closed? What are you doing… don’t tap your fingers! Sit up straight Sharon. Were you raised in a barn or something?!”
It’s laughable to think of saying this to a peer! So then why is it acceptable to say it to your children?
Aretha Franklin had it right. It’s all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Everyone wants to be respected, and in our society it is an expectation that children will respect their parents. But in case you hadn’t realized it yet, children imitate your every action and word. So if you want respect from your children, you first have to show them respect. If they aren’t giving you the respect you would like, it’s probably because you aren’t showing them proper respect.
In The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Laurence Steinberg explains the idea of respect: “When I say that you should treat your children with respect, I mean you should give him the same courtesies you would give anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Don’t worry – you can do all of these things and still maintain your authority as the parent. You can be friendly without being friends."
It seems like the greatest fear among parents is to become permissive, spoil the children, and be a human doormat. So to prevent this, we all run to the other end of the spectrum and judge anyone who isn’t there with us. At this end we assert unconditional authority and expect complete respect. “Because I’m the parent –that’s why!”
Here’s a piece of advice by another leading expert that may give you some useful insight. “When parents not only avoid the temptation to rely on control but also go out of their way to help children experience a sense of autonomy, these children are more likely to do what they’re asked and less likely to misbehave” (Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting).
Sound like nice results? Then treat your children accordingly. Please don’t be one of the people screaming at their children in Walmart.
To quote a wise elephant: A person’s a person, no matter how small.
Sound familiar? Most parents have had some variation of this “dialogue” with their children. Hearing this probably doesn’t faze most adults.
But suppose that instead of your children sitting around the table you have some adult friends. Can you imagine turning to one (we’ll name her Sharon) and saying these same things? “Good heavens Sharon, can’t you eat with your mouth closed? What are you doing… don’t tap your fingers! Sit up straight Sharon. Were you raised in a barn or something?!”
It’s laughable to think of saying this to a peer! So then why is it acceptable to say it to your children?
Aretha Franklin had it right. It’s all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Everyone wants to be respected, and in our society it is an expectation that children will respect their parents. But in case you hadn’t realized it yet, children imitate your every action and word. So if you want respect from your children, you first have to show them respect. If they aren’t giving you the respect you would like, it’s probably because you aren’t showing them proper respect.
In The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Laurence Steinberg explains the idea of respect: “When I say that you should treat your children with respect, I mean you should give him the same courtesies you would give anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Don’t worry – you can do all of these things and still maintain your authority as the parent. You can be friendly without being friends."
It seems like the greatest fear among parents is to become permissive, spoil the children, and be a human doormat. So to prevent this, we all run to the other end of the spectrum and judge anyone who isn’t there with us. At this end we assert unconditional authority and expect complete respect. “Because I’m the parent –that’s why!”
Here’s a piece of advice by another leading expert that may give you some useful insight. “When parents not only avoid the temptation to rely on control but also go out of their way to help children experience a sense of autonomy, these children are more likely to do what they’re asked and less likely to misbehave” (Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting).
Sound like nice results? Then treat your children accordingly. Please don’t be one of the people screaming at their children in Walmart.
To quote a wise elephant: A person’s a person, no matter how small.