Don't communicate so that you are understood -
communicate so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood.
Let’s be honest – at some point in our lives we’ve all had that moment where you find out that what you thought someone was saying was totally not what they were saying. Not by a long shot. This goes for small occurrences as well as the ones that are drawn out for a while. But you were so sure that you knew what was meant! What happened?
This is part of that great but often overlooked thing called communication. Unless you are living by yourself with no contact of any kind with anyone else, you will have to communicate. Why is communication so complicated? It’s because there are several parts to it. Communication isn’t just what you say – it’s also how you say it (your tone) and what you do while you’re saying it (your body language).
According to research, communication is only 14% words. 35% of it is tone, and 51% is non-verbal or body language. This is why sarcasm is so difficult to interpret. Your tone and body language say one thing and your words say another. No matter how you interpret sarcasm, you will be wrong. So let’s just ditch the confusion and negativity and drop sarcasm shall we?
But beyond the ways we interpret sarcasm, have you ever noticed that people are different? I’m talking about the big and obvious differences as well as the very subtle. Everyone has had different experiences in life. These things shape the way we communicate, as well as the way we interpret what is being communicated to us. You could say the exact same thing the exact same way to two very similar people, and they are still both going to take it differently.
A quote I love (although I don’t know who said it) is “Don’t communicate so that you are understood – communicate so clearly that you can’t be misunderstood.” How do we do this? How do we make sure that what we are trying to convey is what the recipient actually gets, and that we get what someone else is trying to convey?
A big part of it is in the way we listen. First of all, don’t be the obnoxious person who either assumes they know what the other is going to say or interrupts because they have something more important to say. No one likes talking to these people.
When you listen, you are communicating almost as much as when you are speaking. You need to be an active listener. The first part of this is in your body language. Be an active listener by focusing on what is being said rather than letting your mind wander. Look at the person who is talking. Show by your facial expressions and your eyes that you are interested and not bored.
The second part of active listening is in how you respond. As soon as the person is done talking, do not make what they are saying become about you. “Oh yeah, one time the same thing happened to me blah blah blah.” That shows them where your real focus is. Instead, make sure you understood what they were saying. “So if I understand correctly, you want to do things this way because…” or “It sounds like you were pretty frustrated when…” This shows the other person that you were actually paying attention, and also helps you to pay better attention.
As you ask questions, you are making sure that you fully understand the issue and what the other is saying. Think about how it makes you feel when someone takes enough time to really understand what you are trying to say. It shows that they care. It also takes out the worry that you are being misunderstood. You know that they “get it” and are now on the same page. That’s a good feeling.
But of course you won’t be listening all the time. So how do you express yourself in a way that is clear, yet not offensive? A lot of this is in your tone. “A soft answer turneth away wrath.” Speak calmly and gently, never harshly or critically. Focus on using “I” statements rather than pointing fingers at the other. For instance, “I get frustrated when…” instead of “You never do it the right way!” It really takes accusation (whether intentional or not) out of communication. Be clear and fully explain yourself – don’t expect someone else to fill in the gaps or know what you are trying to say.
I honestly think what makes communication so hard is the level of openness and trust you have to have with the other person, as well as the time and patience you have to put in. It isn’t easy. Give others the benefit of the doubt – if they said something harshly they probably didn’t mean it that way; they are just having a rough day. Be compassionate- seek to communicate in the kindest way. Assume the best about them. Never use sarcasm. Be patiently kind and gentle in everything you do and say.
I’ve often heard that “love” is really spelled “T-I-M-E.” And isn’t that what communication is?
This is part of that great but often overlooked thing called communication. Unless you are living by yourself with no contact of any kind with anyone else, you will have to communicate. Why is communication so complicated? It’s because there are several parts to it. Communication isn’t just what you say – it’s also how you say it (your tone) and what you do while you’re saying it (your body language).
According to research, communication is only 14% words. 35% of it is tone, and 51% is non-verbal or body language. This is why sarcasm is so difficult to interpret. Your tone and body language say one thing and your words say another. No matter how you interpret sarcasm, you will be wrong. So let’s just ditch the confusion and negativity and drop sarcasm shall we?
But beyond the ways we interpret sarcasm, have you ever noticed that people are different? I’m talking about the big and obvious differences as well as the very subtle. Everyone has had different experiences in life. These things shape the way we communicate, as well as the way we interpret what is being communicated to us. You could say the exact same thing the exact same way to two very similar people, and they are still both going to take it differently.
A quote I love (although I don’t know who said it) is “Don’t communicate so that you are understood – communicate so clearly that you can’t be misunderstood.” How do we do this? How do we make sure that what we are trying to convey is what the recipient actually gets, and that we get what someone else is trying to convey?
A big part of it is in the way we listen. First of all, don’t be the obnoxious person who either assumes they know what the other is going to say or interrupts because they have something more important to say. No one likes talking to these people.
When you listen, you are communicating almost as much as when you are speaking. You need to be an active listener. The first part of this is in your body language. Be an active listener by focusing on what is being said rather than letting your mind wander. Look at the person who is talking. Show by your facial expressions and your eyes that you are interested and not bored.
The second part of active listening is in how you respond. As soon as the person is done talking, do not make what they are saying become about you. “Oh yeah, one time the same thing happened to me blah blah blah.” That shows them where your real focus is. Instead, make sure you understood what they were saying. “So if I understand correctly, you want to do things this way because…” or “It sounds like you were pretty frustrated when…” This shows the other person that you were actually paying attention, and also helps you to pay better attention.
As you ask questions, you are making sure that you fully understand the issue and what the other is saying. Think about how it makes you feel when someone takes enough time to really understand what you are trying to say. It shows that they care. It also takes out the worry that you are being misunderstood. You know that they “get it” and are now on the same page. That’s a good feeling.
But of course you won’t be listening all the time. So how do you express yourself in a way that is clear, yet not offensive? A lot of this is in your tone. “A soft answer turneth away wrath.” Speak calmly and gently, never harshly or critically. Focus on using “I” statements rather than pointing fingers at the other. For instance, “I get frustrated when…” instead of “You never do it the right way!” It really takes accusation (whether intentional or not) out of communication. Be clear and fully explain yourself – don’t expect someone else to fill in the gaps or know what you are trying to say.
I honestly think what makes communication so hard is the level of openness and trust you have to have with the other person, as well as the time and patience you have to put in. It isn’t easy. Give others the benefit of the doubt – if they said something harshly they probably didn’t mean it that way; they are just having a rough day. Be compassionate- seek to communicate in the kindest way. Assume the best about them. Never use sarcasm. Be patiently kind and gentle in everything you do and say.
I’ve often heard that “love” is really spelled “T-I-M-E.” And isn’t that what communication is?